After All I Can Do

Ninth grade was a rough year for me.  As an honor student, I let my grades slip (of course, when they started to count!)  Basketball was my life and all of a sudden I wasn't keeping up with the competition that a bigger school had to offer.  I had health challenges and back problems. For the first time, my closest friendships were challenged.  I often felt I was letting people down.  Life was getting harder and I don't think I was quite prepared for it!  I had LOVED 8th grade and life seemed so much easier then!!!  But I was sitting in Ms. Wade's 9th grade English class one day and for whatever reason, I remember committing myself to be PERFECT--right then and there. From that minute forward, I was never going to make a mistake. I would play by the book and follow every rule to a T. I would get perfect grades, give my all in everything I did, be perfectly kind and live a perfect life...

As a 14 year old, in my naivety, I believed this was possible.

Sadly, I did not yet understand one of the greatest principles that now governs my life.

Adam and Eve had an opportunity to be perfect. They lived in the Garden of Eden and knew no evil, no temptation, no sorrow. But they also knew no joy, happiness or what it was like to have a family. Because Adam and Eve ate the fruit which they were commanded by the Lord not to eat, they were separated from God's presence and became lost; subject to all the pains and sorrows of this world. This was essential to our Heavenly Father's plan for all of His spirit children. If Adam had not fallen and had remained in their perfect condition, we would not be on this earth today. Equally important to this plan was the need for redemption so that we, His children, would not be lost forever.

We needed a Savior.

As God's children, we are not punished for Adam's transgressions. Yes, we are all subject to the harsh realities of this life, but all is not lost forever!  Jesus Christ redeems us from our shortcomings, weaknesses, sins and heartache. Without Him, none of us would have the opportunity and privilege to return to live with God. We cannot be perfect because we are human! But through our Savior, Jesus Christ, we can. After all we can do, He makes up the difference.

I play the piano. I consider myself an untrained pianist. My mom taught me the basics but around age 9-10, I made it clear that I wanted to play what I wanted to play, when I wanted to play it. Typical! I spent a lot of time at the piano plunking out melodies and gradually, I improved. My technique and form were nothing to be proud of, but my sight-reading skills were pretty good and I loved playing. I spent hours on that squeaky bench in our living room each night and am grateful for that time. It wasn't until college when I received formal instruction that I learned how much I didn't know about the piano! But still, I am forever grateful to my mom for teaching me and for the hours I spent as a teen playing and composing my own music. I can't remember for sure, but I think it was when I was 17, my church was producing a musical presentation commemorating the LDS pioneers. I was asked to play a piano solo. The piece I was to play was too difficult for me and I knew it. But I practiced and practiced and practiced.  On the evening of the performance, I prayed that I would be able to play that song, perfectly. Considering I hadn't mastered it in my own living room, it was quite a stretch to believe that this could be done. But I did have faith in prayer at the age of 17, and I knew it could be done.

I played that song with zero mistakes.

I wish I had a recording of it because I'd like to know now if it sounded as great as I felt! All I knew at the time, and now, was that my fingers had extra help that night. I felt it! I was given extra help, after all I could do on my own.

As a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a teacher and an individual, I fail everyday.  I disappoint people. I hurt feelings. I am selfish. I let people down. I get tired. I want to give up.  I fear what I'm doing to my children! But I clearly understand the principle of giving all I have, and allowing the grace of God to make up the difference. Admittedly, as a Latter-day Saint woman, there is a high expectation that often times feels so far out of my reach.  Its no wonder that so many LDS women suffer from depression and feelings of inadequacy! But I have learned that those feelings do not come from God! It is not His way. I am sad for those who do not yet understand this principle. I am sad for those who feel that its too late to try, that they aren't worth it or that too much is required of them.  The Lord's mercy is real and available to everyone...always.

Because I am a Mormon, I believe that Jesus Christ is my Savior. He's made it possible for me to be better than I am on my own.  My best effort is enough.